


i thought of angels choking on their halos

by goodbyes



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, Post Project Blackwing, Sharing a Bed, i am an angst demon who needs to be stopped
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-23
Updated: 2017-11-23
Packaged: 2019-01-25 13:33:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12532660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goodbyes/pseuds/goodbyes
Summary: "You’re trembling, but he reaches over and he touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist, and you feel your heart taking root in your body, like you’ve discovered something you didn’t even have a name for."- Richard Siken





	i thought of angels choking on their halos

**Author's Note:**

> hey there demons, its me, ya boy
> 
> as always, feedback is welcome :)
> 
> title is from "just one yesterday" by fall out boy.

Dirk woke in the middle of the night, gasping and vaguely aware that he was soaked in sweat. This was not unusual. Of course, nothing was unusual by the standards of a man whose daily job currently consisted of saving not one, but _two_  worlds from an evil wizard. Nightmares have always been usual for Dirk, however. He'd grown accustomed to waking with violent starts, gasping, hands flying up to shield himself from a threat that did not exist in the present.

The nightmares rarely varied. They all had a common theme: Blackwing. Dirk would revisit the times his hands would shake and tremble from five too many electric shocks; the times his suffering had accompaniment from Friedkin. He could remember the director's voice saying aloud what Dirk would think about nothing short of constantly. 

Sometimes it wasn't Friedkin echoing Dirk's worst thoughts in his dreams. Sometimes it was Todd. Oddly fitting, considering all of the thoughts invading Dirk's mind were about him.

_He hates me._

"I hate you." Todd would say to him from the other side of the two way mirror adorning the wall of the room.

"I know." Dirk would reply, not looking up from his electrode-covered hands.

_I ruined his life._

"You ruined my life." Todd would continue. Sometimes at this point he'd call Dirk a monster, not for the first time.

"I'm sorry." Dirk would say; the last words to escape him before the shock came. 

After the shock, he'd wake up.

He's awake now. His hands shake from the shock of phantom electricity for a few moments before they eventually settle. His eyes flick to the couch where Todd sleeps while they stay at Hobbs's place. Todd doesn't stir, which means he didn't hear Dirk wake up. Absentmindedly he pulls off his sweaty shirt and abandons it where he slept as he gets up to go outside.

It always helped, going outside. The air was cold and fresh in his lungs and he wasn't confined to any four walls that may remind him of Blackwing. He sits on Hobbs's porch and wonders approximately how long he can keep this up before Todd realizes something is wrong. 

•••

They couldn't find Hobbs  _anywhere._

The nightmares became worse. Everyone Dirk considered his friends surrounded him in that room in Blackwing, telling him it's his fault. Their voices started to sound a bit like his own. It was horrifying. The harsh lights of the room became more blinding as their voices swelled, a cacophony of hatred directed at the man in the electric chair.

Of course, Todd's voice was the loudest to him. It stood above the others, because when Dirk was awake it was the only voice he never got tired of. 

He stayed awake after a nightmare of that caliber, thinking about Todd. Not just his voice, the whole person. How much he adores that person. How much he'd like to sit down and tell Todd that he's sorry for everything. 

How he perceived Todd in his nightmares and who he actually is begun to blur in the detective's mind. He begun to think that maybe his best friend really does think all the things he says aloud in the dreamscape of Dirk's mind. 

And if he didn't, Dirk wondered, how long would it be until he did? 

_Maybe I should just get away now. Maybe that would make it easier on everyone. But where would I go?_

Something clicks in his mind.

_Blackwing?_

He was silent for a moment, waited for the feeling of a hunch to come over his body. It didn't. He sighed.

_I deserve to go back._

Dirk shut his eyes and let his mind go blank until morning.

•••

The nightmares reached their peak a week after Hobbs's disappearance. Once he fell asleep, it began without warning.

_Dirk expected to feel the bindings of the chair tight against his chest, but found that the familiar strain of his chest was absent in the moment. He looked down to find that he was standing. A new nightmare? No, it can't be. It's the same room as before. So what does that mean?_

_There was a grunt from directly in front of him. He blinked, and the scene was set. Todd sat in the chair Dirk had been bound to for weeks. No. No, this can't be right. Were they going to hurt Todd? Dirk noticed the electrodes glued to his best friend's hands and felt the panic rise in his chest._

_"Get him out of there," he started. He knew what's coming; what horrors Todd was in for. "What's going on? Take him out of that chair, I'm supposed to be the one sitting there. Please."_

_No reply._

_"Someone listen to me. He doesn't deserve to be in that chair, I do. Just let him go, I'll take his place. Let him—"_

_"Dirk." A cold voice cut him off. Dirk's eyes met Todd's, and he continued. "This is your fault. This could have been prevented if you just left us all alone. We'd all be okay, Hobbs would be alive, and you would be alone. That's the way it's supposed to be."_

_Dirk's eyes filled with tears. "I'm sorry."_

_Todd scoffed. "You're sorry? Dirk, did you know you could have really meant something to all of us? You think you_ do _mean something to us even though all you do is put us in danger?"_

_The detective didn't reply. He instead took to staring at the ground. It would be easier if he wasn't looking at Todd for whatever he was about to say next._

_"I could have loved you."_

_At this, Dirk was so taken aback that he stumbled a bit before the chair. The tears began to spill. "Please," he choked. And the despair he felt was crushing, like the universe had decided to set itself square on the shoulders of a man who couldn't bear the weight._

_"That's what you want, right? You want to be loved. You want me to love you."_

_"Why are you doing this?" Dirk didn't lift his gaze._

_"Because you deserve it. You're a monster." Todd's voice had grown distorted; a hellish mix of his and Dirk's._

_It was then Dirk became aware that everything Todd had said was echoing his own thoughts. It didn't make it hurt any less._

_"Do you feel that?" Todd sounded panicked._

_"What?" Dirk said, finally looking up._

_Todd's eyes had changed, blue replaced with a dark void. He had become the darkness Dirk felt._

_"It feels— agh!" The man in the chair was cut off by the electricity coursing through him. Someone pressed the button._

_"Stop it," Dirk shouted. "Please, stop, stop hurting him, I'll do anything. Let me take his place, please, I'm the monster. Are you listening to me? I'm the monster!"_

_The shock stopped abruptly. Dirk rushed to Todd's side, the latter of whom was trembling violently. He turned his head to look at Dirk._

_"I hate you."_

_More sobs escaped Dirk as he dropped to his knees next to the chair. "I'm sorry," he gasped out. "I'm sorry, but I love you."_

For the first time, Dirk awoke screaming.

•••

It had been two days since the worst nightmare of Dirk's life; two days since the man had slept at all. He had woken up Todd that night with his screaming— he'd made up some excuse about a spider crawling on his stomach. He'd waited until his friend's breathing evened out again to go outside and let himself fall apart on the front porch, sobs audible only to the wind. He didn't want to cry in Todd's presence anymore.

Now, he stood in the Bergsberg police station, reviewing evidence with Tina. Abruptly, she stopped talking about... whatever it was she was talking about. Dirk had zoned out about five minutes ago.

"Yo, Dirk, you okay? Not to be a bitch, but you look like shit."

"I'm fine, Tina."

"You sure? 'Cause it kinda looks like Satan ran you over with an eighteen-wheeler."

"Tina, I appreciate the concern, but I'm perfectly okay."

"Nope. You're not. Only Farah knows this, but I'm sort of like an empath. I can tell when people are sad. And you, sir, are sad about something. Oh my god. No _fucking_ way. Farah _said_ youandTodd weren't dating, but I knew something _had_ to be up because, like, I just got that vibe! But I didn't know you two were in like, a _secret_ relationship—"

"Wh— Tina, no. There is no _secret_ relationship, there's not even a _relationship_ —"

"Buuuuut, you want there to be? Maybe?" From the other room, the phone rang. "Oh shit, gotta grab that. Hope your relationship gets worked out soon." She dropped a wink as she strode into the hallway.

Dirk sighed and leaned against the desk, letting his eyes fall closed.

"Dirk?"

His eyes snapped open again. Todd stood in front of him, head cocked to the side like he was confused. _He doesn't hate you_ , the half-asleep man told himself. 

"Hello, Todd." His voice still sounded tight. Damn.

"Tina told me you weren't doing do good. I see what she means. You don't look so great, man."

"Is everyone in this station going to insist on insulting me?"

"What?"

Dirk sighed. "Nothing."

Todd moved forward until he was leaning on the same side of the desk Dirk was, looking at him. He was entirely too close and also not close enough. 

"Dirk, if this is about the case again, just know we're all in your corner. We're gonna figure this out, and we're gonna go back home, and—"

"It's not that. The case, I mean. I just haven't slept well in a few days."

"You haven't slept well, or you haven't slept?"

"I haven't... slept."

The shorter of the two raised his eyebrows, looking half concerned and half wary. 

"In... a few days?"

"Yes."

Todd suddenly gripped Dirk's sleeve, making the sleep-deprived detective's breath catch in his throat. His companion must not have noticed, because he didn't let go. Rather, he tugged on the sleeve.

"C'mon. We should find you somewhere to sleep. There's no way you can figure anything out if you're about to pass out standing up."

"No," Dirk said, tugging his sleeve from Todd's grip. "No, I don't think that's a great idea right now. I'll sleep tonight." He lied. 

"Dirk—"

"I appreciate your concern, but there's nothing to be done about it right now, I think."

Todd bit his lip. "Okay, but just— just tell me if there's anything I can do, alright? I don't like seeing you like this."

Dirk wanted to grab Todd's hand, tell him that in just expressing his concern he had made Dirk feel better, tell him he appreciates him more than he'll ever realize. But again his nightmares blurred with reality, and he wondered if his friend's sentiments were even sincere. So, instead he just said, "Okay. I will."

Todd nodded somewhat awkwardly and left the room, but not before glancing at Dirk once more before he left.

Tonight was going to be difficult.

•••

Dirk had tried staying awake to no avail. The nightmare wasn't nearly as bad as the one from two days ago, but it was enough to wake him with a start again. He started to get up before hearing the sound of someone on the couch stirring. Not someone. Todd.

 _Shit_.

"Dirk?"

 _Fuck_.

He swallowed. "Yes, Todd?"

"Why are you awake at—" Todd checked his phone, "—three in the morning?"

"Oh, y'know," The man on the floor started, "chilling out. And stuff."

"Chilling out... and stuff." The man on the couch repeated.

"Yes, three in the morning is a great time to chill. Admittedly it can also be a great time for existential thoughts, and those aren't exactly _good_ , but—"

"You've been having nightmares."

"I beg your pardon?"

"I figured it out. You're sleep deprived because you've been having nightmares. That's why you woke up screaming, too. That's why you're awake now, isn't it?"

"Quite the detective work, there. Maybe I should change the title to Todd Brotzman's Holistic Detective Agency. Or would it be Non-Holistic Detective Agency? I—"

" _Dirk_."

Dirk sighed. "I've been having nightmares ever since I got out of Blackwing."

The reply was soft. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't want you to worry about me." Dirk bit his lip. "And mostly because a lot of the nightmares involved you."

He didn't know why he's admitted it. Maybe because he thought Real Todd and Nightmare Todd would agree on everything. Maybe because he didn't want to lie to him anymore.

Todd stood up and padded over to Dirk's blanket arrangement on the floor, sitting down cross-legged across from him.

"Okay, let's talk about this. If you're comfortable with that. What am I doing in the nightmares?"

Dirk took a deep breath, pulling his knees to his chest. "You're saying that you hate me, and that I ruined your life, among other things. Many other things."

"You know that's not true, right?"

"Isn't it?"

"No, not at all, actually. I- I mean it when I say you changed my life in the best way possible. You made me a better person. Who I was before was _lame_ , but now all of that is _over_. And it's all thanks to you."

Todd reached between them to cover Dirk's hand with his own, an action which within itself made the latter's heart rate skyrocket. 

Todd didn't hate him. He thought back to the vision of his best friend strapped to the chair.

 _I could have loved you_.

Tears threatened to appear in Dirk's eyes before he realized how far that got him in the nightmare. He sniffed and looked away from Todd, who had come into focus once he had sat down next to him.

"Dirk? Is there something else?"

 _Yes_ , Dirk did not say. _I am hopelessly in love with you, but in my nightmare you told me you could never love me back, because I make all the bad things happen, because I am a monster._

"No." He said instead. His vision went blurry with tears. _Do not cry_.

"Are you crying?" Todd asked, softly.

"Trying not to."

"Dirk, it's okay to cry. I know I'm not the best at... feelings, but you don't have to hide from me."

"I don't want you to see me cry. Because of the... nightmares." He was shaking.

"Okay." Todd said simply. Then something happened that Dirk wasn't expecting.

Todd's arms wrapped around Dirk's waist and pulled him close. The former rested his chin on the latter's shoulder so that he couldn't see the latter's face. "I'm not looking."

Dirk pressed his face into the smaller man's shoulder, finally letting the tears leave his eyes. His arms found their way around the other's neck, pulling himself closer. Todd held him closer as his tears turned to sobs, his hand running through Dirk's hair. They stayed like that for a while as Dirk sobbed himself dry on his friend's shoulder. After he had calmed down, neither of them moved.

"I don't want to let go just yet." Dirk admitted.

"You don't have to." Todd replied.

The detective let himself be held for only a while longer before he pulled away.

"Thank you, Todd. I'm, ah— I'm sorry about your shirt."

"That's okay. I have other shirts."

Dirk giggled at that and sat back against the wall. The next thing he said escaped him before he could process it.

"Can I tell you something else? About my nightmares? You might hate me for it, but at least then I'll know you hate me for different reasons than I had thought."

"Dirk, I'm not gonna hate you ever, regardless of anything you say, unless you like, killed my parents or sister. What's up?"

Dirk took a deep breath. No backing out now. "It's just— the nightmare I had. The night I woke up screaming. It was the worst one because it was different. You were the one in the shock chair at Blackwing and I— I had to watch. And the whole time, you kept telling me it was my fault, and everything. And that I don't mean anything to you or anyone else."

"Well, the dream version of me is wrong _and_ an asshole, then. Dirk, why would I hate you for that?"

"Because, one of the things you said.... you said that I wanted to be loved by you, and you could have loved me. If I wasn't a monster."

"Oh."

"Indeed."

Dirk lowered his head, waited for his best friend to cease being so, to get up and leave.

"And just when I thought that Dream Me couldn't be any more wrong."

His head snapped up so fast his neck may have cracked.

"I— I beg your pardon?"

"Dirk, I think I've loved you a long time now. I haven't told you because I didn't know if you, y'know, reciprocated, but you kind of just said that you did, and oh, no, now that I think about it maybe now wasn't the best time to tell you, I'm not trying to like, take advantage of you or anything—"

"Todd."

"Yes?"

Dirk moved closer to Todd. "I am fully aware of what I am about to do. You did not force me to do it."

His hand comes up to cup Todd's cheek, and he leans in, leaving only an inch between their faces, waiting for permission from the other man. He nods, and Dirk closes the gap, his lips pressing against Todd's.

They fit like puzzle pieces, moving closer to be flush against one another, their mouths moving in a sort of rhythm that left both of them wanting more. When they broke apart, they were both smiling. 

Todd pressed his forehead to Dirk's, looking at him like the stars were contained in the blue of his eyes. 

"I hope you know that none of the bad things I've said in your dreams have ever been true."

"I'm starting to believe that, but I think if you kissed me more it would _really_ drive the point home." Dirk said, pecking Todd on the mouth.

"Dirk!" he laughed, pulling away and sitting back against the wall. His look changed again to one of concern. "I think maybe we should go to sleep. I just remembered work is a thing that exists."

Dirk bit his lip.

"Do you want me to stay with you?"

He nodded.

Todd stood up without further comment and retrieved his pillow from the couch, setting it down next to Dirk's on the floor.

"We both can't fit on the couch, so..." he trailed off.

"This is fine." 

They both lay down in the mess of blankets, Dirk pulling one over the both of them. He laid on his stomach, until he felt a tug on his shirt, a silent plea to move closer. He rolled over so that his back was pressed firmly to Todd's chest; the darker-haired man's arms wrapped around him. 

"Thank you." He whispered as he was consumed by what would be the best sleep he's had in a long time.


End file.
